In Time

Is the reality now is just an illusion? Is everything that is happening is a lie? Is life itself a computerized-plan programmed by The Supreme Being?  Is everything happening is supposed to be happening. Or not.

Life itself is a complete unexplainable thing. When something happens who should we point fingers to- god, people or ourselves? I can never find this answer. What's our job in this world, what's our role; to become leaders? To become engineers? To become doctors? To become garbage collectors? To become a liar? To become a thief? To become a complete idiot? Where do we lie?

What makes a building to collapse? The earthquake or the construction of the building itself? I think its neither. Because if the building is strong enough no matter what force acts on it, it will remain strong. Going back to the point, who should be blamed? The answer is no one. Do we blame the contractors who constructed the building or the mother nature? Certainly we can't punish the mother nature but we can punish the contractors. Upon investigation, it is known that the fault comes from a low quality building material. So now the developers are to be blamed. Guess what,  after a detailed investigation it is found that it was a fraud case by the building material company. Then, a statement of them saying that it's due to the inefficient budget plan by the developers. And if you noticed, the chain goes on and on. Again who to be BLAMED?

Then you may think why do we have law. I think it's just to satisfy people with the illusion that there is a 'criminal' found guilty. Applause to the lawyer etc. Case closed.

The point is whatever that happens is life there is no one to be blamed, even yourself. Blaming yourself is like taking a knife and stabbing yourself. Yes if God do exist, blaming him doesn't prove anything either. You may be wondering why does the word 'justify' exist. It just exist to calm people's heart that the culprit has been found. And guess who it is, 'justify' is. I rest my case for the night.

* I don't mean to defy on anyone's thoughts. It's just an expression of MY thoughts. Thanks.

Baby Steps

Its been a while since blog. Lately I feel that I've been shy to express my thoughts. Not sure why, maybe just the circumstance I am in. 

For the first time I'm completely lost of words on describing my situation now. I just don't know what to say. For the pass months i've been brainstorming with myself in reasoning out what's really going on in my life, certainly I failed to find an answer. So I decided to sit down and ask myself one more time, what's the matter to me? And i figured..

Life is like staircase. Each step you take you will be on a higher level. From childhood and here I am now doing my Medical Degree. It seems surreal to me. Everything had happen so fast. The jouney moved so fast from kindergarden, primary school, secondary school and here I am, University. Finally I'm realizing that I've grown to a freaking 70kg man. OMG I still can't believe it. 

Sorry for exaggeration, but I really do mean it. Well, that's the first thing I realized. Next the problem I'm facing now is my stupid brains not letting me accept this situation and act like one. Yes I still act like a kid. Like a kid! I know it sounds petty to you, but this is why I have not been feeling complete. My thoughts do not correspond to my behavior. Ahh damn it! I feel like a kid. I can't help it. Or maybe I just am. 

After recalibrating my thoughts like a million times, yes this is the problem, acceptance. I have not been accepting this phase of transition of my life. That's it why I feel out of place. Yes I'm irresponsible, arrogant, dependent, lazy, stagnant, boring and dumb. 

This has been bothering me lot. People underestimating me, downgrading me, treating me unfairly. Damn i tell you, you don't know how that feels. Living in a place of which fills with adults, at least that's what they think about themselves. I don't know their true-self, but for me I'm struggling in between maturity and immaturity . Probably everyone goes through this phase, maybe it's just me not being able to adapt in this current situation. Either way, I have to take a step onto the next level. If not I'm gonna be the remora fish of  the shark.

Damn, I've crapped to much. I just need to stay focus and just keep moving towards my goals which is to become what I wish for. Anyway, gtg.