Patience

Sitting here at home feeling feeling-less. I really don't know how to express this feelings in words or in any form of medium. It's completely bizarre and unexplainable yet i feel so comfortable in it. It's just that I've been so use-to or I would say, I've adapted to live in this kind of situation. But even I'm very comfortable with this feelings, yet I still feel the emptiness screaming right through my lungs and it urges me to do something. It's so complicated. For a moment the feelings I'm having now seems nice and for the next second it feels all so wrong. I kept wondering of the situation I'm in.

I realized that it's just that all of my feelings and emotions have been tangled and it complicates my mind to identify it. So all these while I've been having mixed feelings. It's just like you having an enormous amount of pain in your body, just that your pain receptors have been removed. BUT other receptors are still there.

In a month time, college will be over. Another new beginning. For a moment, it feels all wonderful and exciting venturing into another new world, but for the next moment it feels all scary, when fear creeps in. This is the reality. Fear is in everyone's mind. What keeps me going is the future. I keep reminding myself what lie in front of me, to keep moving, and moving forward. Though there are many obstacles on my way, but due to my pain adaptability, I've learn to keep moving. After college, approximately I have about 5 months to degree. It gonna be a hell of long months deciding my future, career, dreams, my life. Pretty much I have one last chance to choose the best course for me to venture. Then, I'm an all a grown up man. I can feel that I'm growing, but I'm afraid that I might lose my childishness in it. You know they say' grow up dude or be a man!' Certainly, they don't know what it takes to me be a man nor they know what it takes to be a child. In other words, I'm not ready to grow up. I still wanna be a kid.

It's easier to be a kid. You don't have to deal with much stuffs. Being a man is about facing the world, managing your self while no one's around you, basically it's just you and the world. Sounds scary isn't. Hell yea! It it a hell of scary ride. One advice, ride the roller coaster alone. ALONE. Makes sure there's no one on your side. If you insist on having someone, get a pet or a teddy maybe. Never bring another human being with you, it's only 10% of survival if you bring another person with you. The point is, never trust anyone.

College-->final exams is around the corner. Honestly, I'm not ready at all. I kept going on saying this to myself, ' It's just one freaking month left. One Damn Month, then the world is yours'. It doesn't help much, but it does a little.

My life goal, be awesome, be happy and enjoy. Simple as that. That's what I'm gonna work towards. Whatever I become, a doctor, an astronaut, a teacher, an artist, a singer, or a garbage collector, my goal remains the same.

It's 1.52am and I'm chilling with awesome music on hitz. It feels so good. I'm kinda sleepy too. Not really sure what I just blabbered up there. Anyway here is a song that describes my feelings. Enjoy :)

Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight
Don't be too hard on my emotions.

Need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again
I know you wanna be my salvation
The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong
Believe me I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me.

'Cause the scars run so deep
It's been hard but I have to believe
Just have a little patience [x2]

Have a little patience
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try and have a little patience