Portrait

Been some time since I updated my blog. Today is just a day where I feel inspired and just not lazy enough to type it out.

A lot been going through on my mind lately, well like always lol. It's just how my machine works in my brain. Am doing my second year degree in MBBS and left 3 months for its completion. Up to this point I've learn so much. Am so glad for the experiences and the knowledge which has lodged into myself. Will be starting off my practical years in 3 months and can't wait for it.

The topic that has been going on in my head is what is our role here on this land? Everyone seems to have a different objectives around me. It seems a bit confusing to me at first since all of us is gonna end up being a doctor. Its like same same but different. Through out my journey I've learn that we all have different goals and dreams in our head no matter how close a person seems to be with you in terms of thoughts. Everyone seems to have their own series of thoughts, own story to tell, and ways of portraying themselves. So I asked myself, what are your goals and dreams. I've always wanted to be a successful person, but wait who doesn't?

So I summarizes my thought systematically and figured out what I want to be and why. My true passion and the things that I wanna do. Of course being a doctor is my dream, but I'm the goals and dreams I meant is something on your death bed where one is able to say 'I did what I wanted'. Coz I refused to be the one who regrets.

Aside of managing your thoughts, I realize that emotional control is very important in achieving those goals. Like seriously have a healthy emotion, filled with positives ones and the only way to do is by doing what you want and what makes you happy. Just like when you were a kid and you had all those thoughts.

Next is maturity, it's the most important ingredient in keeping you on tract. Maturity must come along with focus, determination, an open mind and a wide open heart. Most people lack maturity and that's why problems arise. I'm placing myself in this too. Maturity is something that comes along the way and you can't buy it nor sell it. Everyone has a different definitions of maturity. Have yours.

Last but not least is the BELIEVE. I personally believe that the word 'believe' is the strongest word in the dictionary. Believing in something can bring you to limitless places. For an example have a strong believe that you are capable of achieving. Believe that you are the best and you are able to do it. Believe that you can freaking hit on the nail. Remember do not let ego to drag you along. Be decent, down to earth and show off at times coz some people just have to see your talents, you know. And BELIEVE in god. He is there to guide you throughout the way, yes he will be there without a doubt.


In general, have an uplifting feeling always. Put yourself up and noticeable to your surrounding. Out stand, lead, stand up, fight, challenge, push yourself always. Do not get comfortable with anything or anyone. Life is a constant struggle with amazing experiences. Tell me about loneliness, everyone feels it. That part, fucking grow up and realize your have family, if not make the friends.
Ok good night :)

In Time

Is the reality now is just an illusion? Is everything that is happening is a lie? Is life itself a computerized-plan programmed by The Supreme Being?  Is everything happening is supposed to be happening. Or not.

Life itself is a complete unexplainable thing. When something happens who should we point fingers to- god, people or ourselves? I can never find this answer. What's our job in this world, what's our role; to become leaders? To become engineers? To become doctors? To become garbage collectors? To become a liar? To become a thief? To become a complete idiot? Where do we lie?

What makes a building to collapse? The earthquake or the construction of the building itself? I think its neither. Because if the building is strong enough no matter what force acts on it, it will remain strong. Going back to the point, who should be blamed? The answer is no one. Do we blame the contractors who constructed the building or the mother nature? Certainly we can't punish the mother nature but we can punish the contractors. Upon investigation, it is known that the fault comes from a low quality building material. So now the developers are to be blamed. Guess what,  after a detailed investigation it is found that it was a fraud case by the building material company. Then, a statement of them saying that it's due to the inefficient budget plan by the developers. And if you noticed, the chain goes on and on. Again who to be BLAMED?

Then you may think why do we have law. I think it's just to satisfy people with the illusion that there is a 'criminal' found guilty. Applause to the lawyer etc. Case closed.

The point is whatever that happens is life there is no one to be blamed, even yourself. Blaming yourself is like taking a knife and stabbing yourself. Yes if God do exist, blaming him doesn't prove anything either. You may be wondering why does the word 'justify' exist. It just exist to calm people's heart that the culprit has been found. And guess who it is, 'justify' is. I rest my case for the night.

* I don't mean to defy on anyone's thoughts. It's just an expression of MY thoughts. Thanks.

Baby Steps

Its been a while since blog. Lately I feel that I've been shy to express my thoughts. Not sure why, maybe just the circumstance I am in. 

For the first time I'm completely lost of words on describing my situation now. I just don't know what to say. For the pass months i've been brainstorming with myself in reasoning out what's really going on in my life, certainly I failed to find an answer. So I decided to sit down and ask myself one more time, what's the matter to me? And i figured..

Life is like staircase. Each step you take you will be on a higher level. From childhood and here I am now doing my Medical Degree. It seems surreal to me. Everything had happen so fast. The jouney moved so fast from kindergarden, primary school, secondary school and here I am, University. Finally I'm realizing that I've grown to a freaking 70kg man. OMG I still can't believe it. 

Sorry for exaggeration, but I really do mean it. Well, that's the first thing I realized. Next the problem I'm facing now is my stupid brains not letting me accept this situation and act like one. Yes I still act like a kid. Like a kid! I know it sounds petty to you, but this is why I have not been feeling complete. My thoughts do not correspond to my behavior. Ahh damn it! I feel like a kid. I can't help it. Or maybe I just am. 

After recalibrating my thoughts like a million times, yes this is the problem, acceptance. I have not been accepting this phase of transition of my life. That's it why I feel out of place. Yes I'm irresponsible, arrogant, dependent, lazy, stagnant, boring and dumb. 

This has been bothering me lot. People underestimating me, downgrading me, treating me unfairly. Damn i tell you, you don't know how that feels. Living in a place of which fills with adults, at least that's what they think about themselves. I don't know their true-self, but for me I'm struggling in between maturity and immaturity . Probably everyone goes through this phase, maybe it's just me not being able to adapt in this current situation. Either way, I have to take a step onto the next level. If not I'm gonna be the remora fish of  the shark.

Damn, I've crapped to much. I just need to stay focus and just keep moving towards my goals which is to become what I wish for. Anyway, gtg.

ABCDEFG

Waking up to this beautiful morning siping my cup of tea with Radiohead seems perfect. Well it seems like a cliche, but it's truly is. Relaxing alone at hostel here feel so good. Everyhing in the house the chairs, fan and even these tiny particles of dust seem like a friend to me. Pondering back on what's life is, maybe this is. In other words i'm just accepting what life has to offer me and move by it. Move along with it without regression or any negativity. This way life seem like a flowing water in a stream. Maybe this is how my life needs to be lead on. Well, 5 more years to go for my studies and I'm gonna make sure it's a worthful journey where one day I can sit and say, yes I had it. Well this is my current definition of life and I believe doesn't matter what definition lies in your head the most important thing is one feel happy and I'm happy. That's pretty much.
Have a pleasant day everyone :)

Patience

Sitting here at home feeling feeling-less. I really don't know how to express this feelings in words or in any form of medium. It's completely bizarre and unexplainable yet i feel so comfortable in it. It's just that I've been so use-to or I would say, I've adapted to live in this kind of situation. But even I'm very comfortable with this feelings, yet I still feel the emptiness screaming right through my lungs and it urges me to do something. It's so complicated. For a moment the feelings I'm having now seems nice and for the next second it feels all so wrong. I kept wondering of the situation I'm in.

I realized that it's just that all of my feelings and emotions have been tangled and it complicates my mind to identify it. So all these while I've been having mixed feelings. It's just like you having an enormous amount of pain in your body, just that your pain receptors have been removed. BUT other receptors are still there.

In a month time, college will be over. Another new beginning. For a moment, it feels all wonderful and exciting venturing into another new world, but for the next moment it feels all scary, when fear creeps in. This is the reality. Fear is in everyone's mind. What keeps me going is the future. I keep reminding myself what lie in front of me, to keep moving, and moving forward. Though there are many obstacles on my way, but due to my pain adaptability, I've learn to keep moving. After college, approximately I have about 5 months to degree. It gonna be a hell of long months deciding my future, career, dreams, my life. Pretty much I have one last chance to choose the best course for me to venture. Then, I'm an all a grown up man. I can feel that I'm growing, but I'm afraid that I might lose my childishness in it. You know they say' grow up dude or be a man!' Certainly, they don't know what it takes to me be a man nor they know what it takes to be a child. In other words, I'm not ready to grow up. I still wanna be a kid.

It's easier to be a kid. You don't have to deal with much stuffs. Being a man is about facing the world, managing your self while no one's around you, basically it's just you and the world. Sounds scary isn't. Hell yea! It it a hell of scary ride. One advice, ride the roller coaster alone. ALONE. Makes sure there's no one on your side. If you insist on having someone, get a pet or a teddy maybe. Never bring another human being with you, it's only 10% of survival if you bring another person with you. The point is, never trust anyone.

College-->final exams is around the corner. Honestly, I'm not ready at all. I kept going on saying this to myself, ' It's just one freaking month left. One Damn Month, then the world is yours'. It doesn't help much, but it does a little.

My life goal, be awesome, be happy and enjoy. Simple as that. That's what I'm gonna work towards. Whatever I become, a doctor, an astronaut, a teacher, an artist, a singer, or a garbage collector, my goal remains the same.

It's 1.52am and I'm chilling with awesome music on hitz. It feels so good. I'm kinda sleepy too. Not really sure what I just blabbered up there. Anyway here is a song that describes my feelings. Enjoy :)

Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight
Don't be too hard on my emotions.

Need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again
I know you wanna be my salvation
The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong
Believe me I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me.

'Cause the scars run so deep
It's been hard but I have to believe
Just have a little patience [x2]

Have a little patience
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try and have a little patience

Love and Sex

Is love sex or is sex love or sex and love lie in separate places. I'm completely confused with this.
The reason for this post is to capture my current thoughts or I would say my innocent mindset before venturing deeper into sex and love. I'm very immature in these issues. Why need sex if there's love and why need love if there's sex.

Undoubtedly, sex is the basic need of humans. And love is the essence of life. Directly by this way they are interrelated. Plus, we are built with sex hormones and this proves that sex is in our blood. The primary use of sex is for reproduction. But I believe that sex has been misused by us.
Here comes again the basic human attitude, greed, desperation, the wanting of more and more, pleasure, dominance, being more powerful. Talking about sex is never ending thing because one topic will always lead to another which is gonna go on and on. Is caring about someone is called love? I just don't know where to start and where to end.

Love is said to be the most beautiful thing on earth and some would say sex is awesome, but why do people suffer and many other problems evolved in life when sex and love is involve?

Let's go back to the start, love. People defines love is many ways but no one can exactly define love because love is a very subjective thing. If love is so hard to define, then what is the act of love?
Is helping someone with all their full willingness and with an open heart is love
or is sacrificing something you love for another thing is called love?
or saving up money to buy something that you like?
or beating your child to make him a better person
or spending time with the close ones is called love?

I have no definite answer but time is something very interesting. Most people will appreciate a lot if one spent time with them. Or if one dedicates his or her time to something or to a person. I.e. A teacher who works really hard and sacrifices her time for her student just to make sure the students are able to score good grades in exams. What is the teacher's act shows? Well some would say dedication, hard work, responsibility. But the bottom line of the teacher’s act is love. Without love many acts would not be possible.

On the other hand, what about sex? Is the act of sex is a product of love? Or sex is just the sake of sex which lie among our desire to eat, sleep and of course the most important thing for us is to breath. The question is where does sex lies? If sex is very important, how monks manage to restrain themselves from sex? Here comes another question? If people are able to restrain themselves from sex, it might as well as we can restrain from food?

At least this can be explained. The principle is simple, no food we die, no air we die, no sleep also we will die. No sex, are we gonna die???
Honestly, I’m not gonna know the real meaning and desire of sex because I’m not sexually oriented and I think I’m still too young for it. I’ve heard this before, if one understands one’s sexuality completely, he/she understands that person entirely. This statement is very powerful. It says that you can actually study a person through sex. That’s really interesting. There are many pros and cons of this act. Firstly, to be able to engage in sexual activity, one must find the right partner. That takes a lot of intelligence and patients. Plus pick-up lines are also imperative here. First impressions, looks, the way we speak, our presentation, body language, hairstyle, and every tiny details of ourselves.
Well please don’t judge me much based on this post. It’s just the manifestations of my doubts and confusion. The only way for me to learn about all this is to actually experiencing it. And I believe the right time will come soon. It can’t be denied that everyone has sexual desires, just that some are just too open or some are too shy to express it or some are just not normal.

Eventually everyone have to go through this face. It’s a dangerous face as exploring one’s sexuality is the ultimate understanding of oneself. Explore yourself well and take extra precautions on this issue because they are many bad people out there. After all, its apart of life. Experience it, learn it, and have fun with it. Cheers:)

It's Time

Exam is on the verge, 3 weeks countdown. It's my final exam for the semester. Look how fast time has passed. Now, gonna push all the external distractions away and focus on my exam. It's time to do it. I have 5 subjects-Math, English, IT, Psychology and Biology. IT is pain in the ass. But everything would be easy if everything is memorized. To be honest, I have increased my memorizing skills, thanks to a couple of friends here who had taught me an effective way to learn new things. This week is a busy week. I have two pending presentation and homework to be done. At the same time have to start revising, also have to deal with life problems. I believe I'm getting better at the trust issue. Well, experience have taught me a lot. Ok..every second have to be cherished. So I better get going with my presentation preparations:)