Patience

Sitting here at home feeling feeling-less. I really don't know how to express this feelings in words or in any form of medium. It's completely bizarre and unexplainable yet i feel so comfortable in it. It's just that I've been so use-to or I would say, I've adapted to live in this kind of situation. But even I'm very comfortable with this feelings, yet I still feel the emptiness screaming right through my lungs and it urges me to do something. It's so complicated. For a moment the feelings I'm having now seems nice and for the next second it feels all so wrong. I kept wondering of the situation I'm in.

I realized that it's just that all of my feelings and emotions have been tangled and it complicates my mind to identify it. So all these while I've been having mixed feelings. It's just like you having an enormous amount of pain in your body, just that your pain receptors have been removed. BUT other receptors are still there.

In a month time, college will be over. Another new beginning. For a moment, it feels all wonderful and exciting venturing into another new world, but for the next moment it feels all scary, when fear creeps in. This is the reality. Fear is in everyone's mind. What keeps me going is the future. I keep reminding myself what lie in front of me, to keep moving, and moving forward. Though there are many obstacles on my way, but due to my pain adaptability, I've learn to keep moving. After college, approximately I have about 5 months to degree. It gonna be a hell of long months deciding my future, career, dreams, my life. Pretty much I have one last chance to choose the best course for me to venture. Then, I'm an all a grown up man. I can feel that I'm growing, but I'm afraid that I might lose my childishness in it. You know they say' grow up dude or be a man!' Certainly, they don't know what it takes to me be a man nor they know what it takes to be a child. In other words, I'm not ready to grow up. I still wanna be a kid.

It's easier to be a kid. You don't have to deal with much stuffs. Being a man is about facing the world, managing your self while no one's around you, basically it's just you and the world. Sounds scary isn't. Hell yea! It it a hell of scary ride. One advice, ride the roller coaster alone. ALONE. Makes sure there's no one on your side. If you insist on having someone, get a pet or a teddy maybe. Never bring another human being with you, it's only 10% of survival if you bring another person with you. The point is, never trust anyone.

College-->final exams is around the corner. Honestly, I'm not ready at all. I kept going on saying this to myself, ' It's just one freaking month left. One Damn Month, then the world is yours'. It doesn't help much, but it does a little.

My life goal, be awesome, be happy and enjoy. Simple as that. That's what I'm gonna work towards. Whatever I become, a doctor, an astronaut, a teacher, an artist, a singer, or a garbage collector, my goal remains the same.

It's 1.52am and I'm chilling with awesome music on hitz. It feels so good. I'm kinda sleepy too. Not really sure what I just blabbered up there. Anyway here is a song that describes my feelings. Enjoy :)

Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight
Don't be too hard on my emotions.

Need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again
I know you wanna be my salvation
The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong
Believe me I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me.

'Cause the scars run so deep
It's been hard but I have to believe
Just have a little patience [x2]

Have a little patience
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try and have a little patience

Love and Sex

Is love sex or is sex love or sex and love lie in separate places. I'm completely confused with this.
The reason for this post is to capture my current thoughts or I would say my innocent mindset before venturing deeper into sex and love. I'm very immature in these issues. Why need sex if there's love and why need love if there's sex.

Undoubtedly, sex is the basic need of humans. And love is the essence of life. Directly by this way they are interrelated. Plus, we are built with sex hormones and this proves that sex is in our blood. The primary use of sex is for reproduction. But I believe that sex has been misused by us.
Here comes again the basic human attitude, greed, desperation, the wanting of more and more, pleasure, dominance, being more powerful. Talking about sex is never ending thing because one topic will always lead to another which is gonna go on and on. Is caring about someone is called love? I just don't know where to start and where to end.

Love is said to be the most beautiful thing on earth and some would say sex is awesome, but why do people suffer and many other problems evolved in life when sex and love is involve?

Let's go back to the start, love. People defines love is many ways but no one can exactly define love because love is a very subjective thing. If love is so hard to define, then what is the act of love?
Is helping someone with all their full willingness and with an open heart is love
or is sacrificing something you love for another thing is called love?
or saving up money to buy something that you like?
or beating your child to make him a better person
or spending time with the close ones is called love?

I have no definite answer but time is something very interesting. Most people will appreciate a lot if one spent time with them. Or if one dedicates his or her time to something or to a person. I.e. A teacher who works really hard and sacrifices her time for her student just to make sure the students are able to score good grades in exams. What is the teacher's act shows? Well some would say dedication, hard work, responsibility. But the bottom line of the teacher’s act is love. Without love many acts would not be possible.

On the other hand, what about sex? Is the act of sex is a product of love? Or sex is just the sake of sex which lie among our desire to eat, sleep and of course the most important thing for us is to breath. The question is where does sex lies? If sex is very important, how monks manage to restrain themselves from sex? Here comes another question? If people are able to restrain themselves from sex, it might as well as we can restrain from food?

At least this can be explained. The principle is simple, no food we die, no air we die, no sleep also we will die. No sex, are we gonna die???
Honestly, I’m not gonna know the real meaning and desire of sex because I’m not sexually oriented and I think I’m still too young for it. I’ve heard this before, if one understands one’s sexuality completely, he/she understands that person entirely. This statement is very powerful. It says that you can actually study a person through sex. That’s really interesting. There are many pros and cons of this act. Firstly, to be able to engage in sexual activity, one must find the right partner. That takes a lot of intelligence and patients. Plus pick-up lines are also imperative here. First impressions, looks, the way we speak, our presentation, body language, hairstyle, and every tiny details of ourselves.
Well please don’t judge me much based on this post. It’s just the manifestations of my doubts and confusion. The only way for me to learn about all this is to actually experiencing it. And I believe the right time will come soon. It can’t be denied that everyone has sexual desires, just that some are just too open or some are too shy to express it or some are just not normal.

Eventually everyone have to go through this face. It’s a dangerous face as exploring one’s sexuality is the ultimate understanding of oneself. Explore yourself well and take extra precautions on this issue because they are many bad people out there. After all, its apart of life. Experience it, learn it, and have fun with it. Cheers:)

It's Time

Exam is on the verge, 3 weeks countdown. It's my final exam for the semester. Look how fast time has passed. Now, gonna push all the external distractions away and focus on my exam. It's time to do it. I have 5 subjects-Math, English, IT, Psychology and Biology. IT is pain in the ass. But everything would be easy if everything is memorized. To be honest, I have increased my memorizing skills, thanks to a couple of friends here who had taught me an effective way to learn new things. This week is a busy week. I have two pending presentation and homework to be done. At the same time have to start revising, also have to deal with life problems. I believe I'm getting better at the trust issue. Well, experience have taught me a lot. Ok..every second have to be cherished. So I better get going with my presentation preparations:)

Life Is A Paradox

I never knew what life looked like, until recently I began to uncover it. It's extremely cruel and to make things worst, it has no mercy on us. I'm really confused about life now.People are insane.

To judge a person, it is as difficult as estimating the distance of the earth and moon. People are so complicated and their actions towards one another is just sometimes unexplainable. For the pass weeks, trust has been the major think-about-topic at most of my free time. People around me has multiple behaviours and subtle characters. It's so difficult to understand them and know anything about them. Personally, I have been very used relying on people around especially friends and I had no trouble mingling with them, but now it seems like the hardest thing to do. Is it because of me or them?

Friends, where I would say that the strongest love where one could find and it means everything to all of us. Trust me you can't even find this intense love with your life partner. Now, everything seems upside down. The people who we love, care, hug, even feed them could betray the friendship love. Not indirectly, but directly just like stabbing a knife into your heart. These people who I would say feeling-less and doesn't understand the what friendship is has been a nuisance in my life. Now, believing in someone seems like a fictional word. That's how terrible it is life's trust responded to me.

For now, I'm still trying my best to learn myself and also life. I hope I'll make through it. Everything around me is not as what it is. I tried my best to adapt to the surrounding by not being myself and that certainly didn't help me a bit. So, I'm back to my self and gonna instill a tremendous amount of toleration towards others and still believe that life will responds well to me. Everything seems unreal now. From what had happened, I even mistrust myself and that seriously brought me down. As I said I'm just gonna be in myself and strive all the way for my goals and dreams. I'm not gonna let anyone to distract me from my goal, even life itself! Well, Shakespeare was true.

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

I'm On The Right Track

Life has been extremely tiring here at college. Have to put a lot of effort for the tests. I just finished my test on last friday and gonna have mid-sem in two weeks time. For the pass weeks, i've not been getting enough of sleep and also had stayed awake for more than 24 hours with the help of caffeine of course. Now, im feeling good coz even though my schedule is hectic,Ii managed my time well. In the midst of everything, we have been entertaining ourselves and also on our fitness. I think it's important for my health.

I'm still gonna talk about life in college coz everyday i learn new things. Friends here are Awesome now! I realized that i have to change my self in order to attract awesome people. My roommates are awesome. We are all big eaters! My classmates are awesome too. I pretty much can get along with all of them. But, still, trust is an issue for me. For me, trusting a person is like giving yourself to one. Primarily, trusting must be mutual, it does not work on one way. To gain someone's trust is not an easy thing. This topic seems to be unimportant, but it may cause you a serious impact on you. To learn what trust is, one have to experience distrust. This is what i've learned so far. First and foremost, to understand trust, one have to trust oneself. We have to believe in ourselves.

Exam's is in two weeks and there's a lot to study. 4 subjects-Psychology, Math, Biology and IT. A lot has to be done and i believe I can manage through it, somehow. The only thing is bothering me is having a wide 360* freedom. Freedom is another topic to be managed. Got to sleep, chow.

Friends

For the pass weeks. I've been having good and depressing time at my college. I realized that it's because of me hardly getting use to with my friends there. All of them are very nice, it's just that they are very different from my pass friends. I expected them to be just like them, but I was wrong. I cracked joke as what I used to do and ending up making them to feel terribly bad. That made me to feel bad too. I was in depression. I know it sounds stupid, but it really does affect me coz I feel it's my fault. For a few days, I kept thinkin of that and plus I'm misin home and my friends, all that made me feel worst. Music helped me a lot to get through it. Thank god it doesn't last long. My house mates and my chinese friends are great. They cheered me up and I finally realized being sad does no good. All of these happen coz i've been too dependent on my friends. Everything I do involves my friends. Now, I have to fully rely on myself and understand that this is no more high school where everything will be spoon-fed. My policy now is to rely on myself fully and not on anyone else.

Last week, it was our test week. Very fast right? We have English, Math And IT tests. All the tests are completely different than what is in high school. It's damn hard in a sense that understanding is not enough, memorization is what counts. I've never used to pressurize my brain by memorizing, but for this test I had to do. I pushed myself to the limit. Every night I stay awake on an average of 1AM. Until for the IT paper, I literally died. Can u imagine what u have been doing practically has to be done in theory? Everything needs to be memorize, Everything. For some of the students, it was easy. For me it was a definite no easy task. But I tried and pushed myself to the limit. I drank two sachets of coffee on the night before the IT test. Studies up to 5.30am till I feel like fainting and I had no choice other than going to bed. I slept for about an hour and a half. It made me to feel better. I would say that on that day, I studied the most in my entire life. Haha! But still, I kept reminding myself that this is just the beginning and I have to adjust a right schedule so that I can take care of my health at the same time.

I have one week break and I'm gonna rest at home and get enough of rest and enjoy the holidays:)

Back!

I'm updating my blog after about a year. I read my friend's blog and I just feel like updating it.
The SPM is finally over and I was wrong coz I thought that life over the war was beautiful and free of dangers. The truth is, 2011. is the real life that I have to face. Yes, I have 100% freedom, but you know, anything that is too much is useless. Life has to be balance. I've been working for about 2 months at Jusco Bukit Indah. The experience that I obtained there was priceless. I learnt the poker face(s) of people. I also learnt how to win a customer's mind and the variations of people in this world is wide. I never thought that before. Bad people, good people, you name it. After 2 months, i stopped my job and I enjoyed the money. Life was great then. But, I was wrong again. Soon, the money depletes.

April, I enrolled in Masterskill University in JB to do my Foundation In Health Sciences. There another new life i have to pass. Everything was new, new friends, new teachers, new studying environment, EVERYTHING. I had a hard time getting use to not being with my friends. But you know, at one point of your life, acceptance creeps in. I have to accept that I can't meet the old friend's as I use to. In future, maybe we can only meet a couple of times in a year, I tried my best to keep in touch with my friends but they seem to be very busy. At this new college life, I thought that I was already mature, but I was wrong again. I'm still a young boy who know's nothing much about the world. My new friend's made me realize that coz they are much elder than me. This also made me realized that age will make one to be more mature.

I learn lessons everyday, and I'm gonna continue to try to make my life perfect even though the world believes that nobody's perfect. My one and only best friend is my music. Music is my motivator, my life, my best friend, my love and my everything. I also realize that I don't need anyone to make me happy. All I have is myself and I'm gonna live through it. To my friends, good luck in your future. The happy times together that we have spent will always be in my heart.